not funny at all

M and i have been friends for 11 years, we've gone through so much shit together and basically grew from fucked up teenagers to fucked up adults. we had breakfast this morning, caught up with each other's lives. mine was pretty much the same, hers had more ups and downs, in a sense. we walked together to the hospital after eating, she was going for her psychiatric session.

i could see the scars on her hand, i know she cuts herself. it can be hard to understand why people cut themselves on purpose. cutting is what experts call an unhealthy coping mechanism. i cannot comprehend her actions, claiming that it transfers her emotional pain to a physical one. but i realise you don't need to understand everything, or more likely, she doesn't want me to understand her in the first place...in case i start judging.

she is clearly suicidal.

i know, cos we've been talking about it for a long time. she told me she applied to join the Police Force, and i asked her why? her reply was shocking, she wants to get hold of a gun so that she could kill herself. i laughed, but in my heart, i didn't think it was funny at all cos i know she wasn't exactly joking. i told her in a cheeky tone, there are many ways to die, you don't need to die at gunpoint, but she said she has a fetish for it. i tried to convince myself i heard wrongly.

while walking to the hospital, she said: "my days are numbered..." i knew she was implying that she is going to kill herself, just don't know when. i reacted nonchalantly to her statement. i said: "so i should cherish my time with you now yeah?"

i bade her goodbye at the hospital's door step and i started to wonder if this will be my last time seeing her.

i turned around, tears dropped as i walked away.